Reflections on the year

This feels like crawling into an old, cuddly sweater. Ahhhh. It feels good to step away from the drama of FB and be with my thoughts. FB does make me appreciate how drama free I am. And that's not an accident. I've always shirked the drama, even when it's in my face. When I was in 8th grade I had a "friend" trying to lure me into a fight and she ended up telling me how much it pissed her off that I wouldn't engage.

Which leads me to reflection one. I worry that ever since I made the choice to stay in my marriage and work on it, I've become a little more numb to life in general. I've never been particularly emotional. I cry over anger or frustration sometimes, but not often over sadness. I still feel joy and laugh, but maybe not with as much abandon as I used to. The most troublesome part to me, is that I don't enjoy conversation as much as I used to. Chris will make funny jokes and I'll just smile at him and not respond. When asked how my day was, I rarely expand upon it beyond "fine, busy" or "fine, I got a lot done." Perhaps I've developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Reflection two. My life is pretty darn good. A lot of that is because we aren't overly stressed about finances. Of course money doesn't buy happiness, but lack of it can cause stress. Sure, we still don't have much in savings, and we have some debt, but we never sweat about monthly bills and make good progress on paying down home and vehicle loans. We have more credit card debt than we should, but last year we wrangled that in and aren't putting much on there anymore, so it's getting paid down. We spent a lot of our early years together stressed about money and not making ends meet, so this is such a welcome place to be. I know too many of you out there have faced unexpected unemployment, though, so I don't want to get too comfortable. I also feel like we made the right decision to not have kids. It's the right decision for us and I refuse to let anyone make me feel guilty for it. Although the older I get, the more I try to understand my MIL's perspective of not having grandkids and how it's hard for her.

Reflection three. It's good to feel like I have a true partner again. In the last few years, Chris has worked really hard to re-engage in our marriage. He sat in the room with me when we put Ali down and we cried together. He's helpful and proactive with projects around the house. He used to make comments about not wanting to put effort or money into the house because he thought it didn't need it and he wanted to spend the money on other things that got him OUT of the house (vacations, cars, etc.). I'm back to feeling like he's happy to be at home. That being said, I'm ready to rip his smart phone out of his hands. He's addicted to really stupid games and spends around 2-3 hours per night playing them on the couch. I get annoyed just looking at him playing them.

Reflection four. I'm not as happy at work as I used to be. We added a new employee that's basically making a lot more work for me and she's a talker. She stops by to ask a question and doesn't let it go. We play the staredown game where I'll give her an answer and she waits...expecting me to say more, engage her more on the topic. I just want her to go away. Our boss agrees with me 100% that work isn't as fun and that new woman is too chatty and interupting (but we also agree she brings some amazing value to the workplace). Then again, I think me and my boss have worked together so well for so long that we're just stuck in our ways.

If anyone is reading, thanks for being around for so many years and caring.